District 9

Well some say it's 'movie of the year', 'best film they've seen this year', 'fantastic', a 'must see'. Must be good then...

Before you continue I must issue a SPOILER ALERT! I will reveal some plot details in this review so if you haven't seen it read this review AFTERWARDS!

Or not if you just want to know what it's like in advance. :-)

Okay we'll start with the good, the bad, and my overall conclusion.

The good bits... mmm....mmm...er...er...um...mmm... I'm sure there was something.

This is little more than 'The Fly' meets 'Alien Nation', but with a lot more gratuitous violence and dreadful acting. It really is painfully bad bad bad.

I was really tempted to do some kind of Bulgarian knitting or a Peppa Pig jigsaw, but had to keep watching just in case I missed something interesting, or something unpredictabe happened...but no (sighs).

Maybe I've watched too many sci-fi horror flicks over the years to to be wowed by this sort of done-a-million-times effort. It just doesn't break any barriers nor keep you interested.

You just KNEW proud clean cut family man Mr. Wickus van der Merwe (say it superfast in a Nazi accent) was going to become one of these 'things' as soon as you saw him. KNEW IT! What else could he be there for? Why someone like him? DOOMED!!!!

It's a bit like a cowboy saying, I'm going to go up on the roof - you know full well it's because he was going to come tumbling down any second...

It's been done. I prefer surprises. Something unique and different. This is nothing. And more.

To make matters worse the special effects are actually ropey, dated and dreadful. I know it was set in 1982 (1982, are you having a laugh???) but 'The Brady Bunch Movie' does a more convincing job of setting the tone. It's obviously dated that way for post-Apartheid reasons, but that just comes across as naff. Not well thought out that.

Perhaps the budget was low, but I found the jellied 'prauns' (ha ha joke in there somewhere) completely false and incredible, and as for the attempts at black humour forget it. You could see the tumbleweed (literally).

Then there was the alien's behaviour. Come on. The monkeys in Wizard of Oz were more convincing.

And 'prawn prostitution' anyone? Absolutely ridiculous, metaphor or otherwise.

If this 'comedy' of errors was not enough they thrown in an overly aggressive Americanised artillery and indulge in silly, gratuitous violence that involves repeated pulping and dismembering. And the point is...???

If anyone is after sympathy it doesn't work. The prawns are far from 'loveable' and 'cuddly' and therein lies my point to some extent, why bother making this film in this way? Or at all?

You have to a Grade A moron not to 'get' the Apartheid point, which you KNOW is a factor as soon as you hear the South African accents, but if you missed it don't worry folks it's repeated time and again so you don't forget what this movie is really about! (makes a change from a Vietnam movie I suppose)

Anyway enough of the politics for a second, people are leaving so let's get down to some more gratuitous brutality and dismembering... That's what people wanna see, yeah!

And so it goes on, until at last Mr. van der Merwe is infected, starts enjoying cat food (ha ha thats so funny) and becomes one of THEM (yes not one THOSE, one of THEM).

As you'd expect the Government finds the concept of a hybrid man/alien appealing, and as you'd expect instead of contemplating a cure, or utilising alien skills and technology for the common good, there's only one thing a movie crazed crackpot would suggest and that is: military operations!!! Of course! Genius! Well I never, the government take the stance that Mr. Merwe can now mame, dismember and bully anyone cos he can use one of those big powerful alien guns we nicked! Wow. Never heard that one before... Don't tell anyone, shhh! Conspiracy, cover up, I've been framed, etc, etc...

Anyway if you can stay awake long enough as this predictable escape/chase/hide saga goes on VD Merwe (see what I did there?? You'll get it once once you see it) of course befriends an alien, who naturally has a cute kid to make you go aah, and there is this futile attempt to feel sorry one or both species and take sides.

By then I had already finished a nice scarf and the jigsaw and was on page 16 of 'Industrial Varnishing' monthly and couldn't give two hoots who lived died or if the World ended (preferably the latter to do us all a favour).

As far as I'm concerned no relationships were formed between any character, nor me with them, thus I do wonder what we were supposed to think. Time... goes by... so slowly...

Anyway I had to see it through to see what happens, and to write this review, but unfortunately I was bored bored bored and nothing did happen.

This is nothing more than a long 'Outer Limits' episode but with more sputem.

Scary? Get a life. If you think this 'scary' don't go out at night. Or on the Tube on your own. Or visit the frozen fish section of Tesco.

It's pretty gross in places yes, but so is Abernant, but even then it's inclusion is totally unecessary and...well...pointless. Then again, so is Abernant...

The skill should be the writing, not how spectacularly you can blow Sy Snootles up, and this is sadly lacking.

Sorry but I was desperately disappointed with this. I was really looking forward to it and in the mood for an inventive, immerssive 'Cloverfield' type experience but it turned out to be dull dull dull and an utterly pointless waste of time. Nothing new and... just... pointless.

With nothing else to say I'll simpy wrap it by saying one word: pointless (did I mention that before?)

Movie of the Year??? Not missing much then. The cupboard must be bare...

2/10

(2 for the effect of the space ship coming out of the ground...but then it went splat within 50 feet and that was the end of that bit of excitement...duh (sighs))